The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT