Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.