I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
what does he know…
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*frowns in Scottish*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol