Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT