For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.