If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.