Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?