COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
You Might Also Like
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
mmm onion ringos
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.