I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser