This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill