Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.