You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I wish this was real life…
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Ion see the issue
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs