My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views