My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
what is cheese if not milk persevering
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.