If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me driving through Toronto
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Don’t snitch tag.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.