I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*