Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory