Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.