I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*