Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
These 3D printers are insane!
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.