You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!