Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
and now we wait
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.