I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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But is it really??
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Help Wanted
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.