Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Good boy 😂😂
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.