Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Twitter is the new flypaper.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.