My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.