The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.