Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Happy Star Wars day!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.