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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color