[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
The two types of wives