At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.