if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*