Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.