[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I needed a laugh this morning.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…