Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced