I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes