My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
decorating my apartment
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar