Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
when someone rings the doorbell
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.