People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no