So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You Might Also Like
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves