BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session