Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too