Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Bootstraps
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
it is time once again
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.