[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Fidel Castro was alive?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.