I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO