I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Put this video in the Louvre
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.