[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A ghost story
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.