I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”