Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
he’s doing your taxes
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
is it earth
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.