My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
courtroom exchange of the day
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.